Why I'm Lame

I like to consider myself a fun, energetic person who can definitely be the life of the party. But which party is the question.

Lately I have been running into situations that have bugged me since I turned 21. And here I thought it would have ended since I am now 28. I have never been someone who feels that one of the main reasons people (friends) get together is to drink or smoke or things of that nature.  I prefer to get together and watch movies, hang out, eat, and especially play!  Get outdoors and hike and try new exciting things, or play sports, or bike ride.  Apparently, this has made me pretty different from a lot of people I have met in my life, and I just don’t think I’m understood.

I do tend to feel awkward around a lot of people I do not really know and I choose to not handle that feeling with drinking or smoking.  Instead, I may be quiet (which is quite strange for people who know me) or I take myself out of that situation all together (probably not the best way to handle it since I am avoiding an opportunity to make friends).  Lately, I have been feeling pretty loser-ish.

There was a holiday party the other night, and I decided not to go. I just did not feel in the mood to hang around a bunch of people I did not know, and I was exhausted from my day at work. Then came the text message about how I’m lame. Misunderstood or not, it kind of hurts. I feel that people think I’m no fun because I prefer a different kind of “fun.”  I just don’t find drinking to be all that exciting. But…. I guess I’m lame.

Now why am I misunderstood?  It is not my fault that I feel awkward and uncomfortable around people who are smoking or getting drunk. I don’t know what it is or why I am that way. Maybe from things I have seen and dealt with in the past?  Maybe because I never brought myself into an underage party scene because I just wasn’t into that stuff. I don’t know. Yes, back in the day in high school, I judged. I didn’t want to hang out with those people because I did think it was bad and I did have a lower level of respect for people who thought it was cool or exciting to underage drink and smoke and stuff. However, I have matured and now that we are of age to drink, I have no problem with people making their own decisions as long as they are safe, smart and responsible. I don’t say anything to anyone or do anything. I leave if I am uncomfortable and know not to go to those places again if I feel that way.

So, what am I getting at?   I feel that people think that I believe I am better than them. That I am judging them. That I think poorly of them. That they can’t measure up to my high expectations. I think this is why I am called lame. But I don’t think or do those things. I just do me. But unfortunately, I still think people feel pressured by me. And I’m stuck.  Maybe this is why I don’t get invited anywhere by people, or why I don’t have friends. Because my fun is different and even when I do go out, my decision to just have one, or to not have any, maybe makes people feel negative things towards me. Whether it’s inferior, or judged, or awkward, or whatever.  And this…..sucks for me. The same goes for drug use. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I can’t control that feeling, but because I choose to not participate, does not mean I am judging people negatively.

I have these instances not just with acquaintances or friends, but also with loved ones. I feel them get defensive and it hurts me. Sure, I wish that my loved ones would make better, healthier decisions for themselves, but its’ just that….it’s their decision, not mine. So I let them. Do I love them less? No. But one thing I do not like is the way these substances make people someone they are not. I love people for who they are…..then comes the drugs and alcohol and their personality changes. It makes me sad, but again I do realize it is their choice. I have no right to judge. But if I feel uncomfortable being around people I love when they are not themselves, then I feel I have every right to not put myself in those situations. This does not mean I am judging them negatively. But, apparently it means I am lame, or a goodie goodie, or that I have high expectations or am too moral. And even if they don’t say it, they insinuate it by asking me questions (some sarcastic) like “oh it’s not okay that I do this,” “you want me to say I’ll never do it again, because I’m not going to say that,” “you’re just too good for this right, you must be better than me.”

It hurts so much to feel so outside. To wonder what is wrong with myself. It’s so normal for everyone else and it’s hard to not feel judged or misunderstood, especially by those who love me.

So please forgive me for not feeling comfortable enough to participate in drug use, or choosing to get drunk and feel that drinking is the only way to hang out with people. I do not judge you, and I am sorry if my presence and actions are misunderstood for something negative. I am just so tired of feeling like I make other people feel like garbage when I don’t mean it. And I am also tired of feeling like garbage when people act stupid at certain social gatherings (at the bar a couple weeks ago some guy came up to me and asked “oh, where’s the cute one?” referring to where my female friend was).  One reason why I again choose to not to go out to bars.  But again, my apologies to all those people who feel like I make them feel like garbage because my version of fun is different from most others.  I guess I am sorry for being lame.

My To-Do List

Bucket List- To-Do List- Whatever You Want To Call It

*In no particular order*

To-Do
-    Ice Climb
-    Send a Highline
-    Bivy
-    A Second Multi-Pitch Climb
-    Climb in the Cirques
-    Snowboard with Lillie!
-    Go Backpacking Again
-    Attend a Rodeo
-    Go Horseback Riding
-    Compete in Slacklining
-    Go to Yosemite
-    Go To Joshua Tree
-    Maybe Attempt a Rope Swing
-    Go To Moab
-    Mountain Bike in the Mountains
-    Randomly Dance Under A Million Stars


Already Done: 
- Sit on the Hollywood Sign- (LA P.D. came and yelled from a helicopter)
- Attempted Highlining- Stood and took a couple steps
- Multi-pitch Climbed
- Rocked Climbed in the Wind River Range with a NOLS Course
- Lived in the Wilderness for 3 weeks
- Graduated College
- Got a Job in My Field
- Became a So-Called Professional Slackliner
- Went Skydiving
- Went Surfing
- Did the Flying Trapeze on numerous occasions
- Star Gazed at a Star Filled Sky in the Mountains

Reaching Blindly for Something That May Not Be There

Last summer I attended a course through NOLS which took me into the wilderness of the Wind River Range in Wyoming for three weeks. Before the course I remember walking down the streets of Lander, Wyoming with a couple other NOLSies talking about if we could ever live there. My new friend Kate was in love and said she could move there in a heartbeat. I, myself, said no way. It was too small, quiet, and just not enough stuff.

 As we were coming out of the woods from that course to reunite with civilization after three weeks, my only thought was that I wanted to go back in. I wanted to turn around and return to the tents, the rocks, the trees, the tough living that takes place in the wilderness.  I wanted to remain in the quiet, stress free, natural realm that existed in there. Why? I think I found something inside myself when I was out there. I think I found a piece of me that was either missing or just lying dormant inside me and I was afraid to lose it.

 As we returned to Lander, we once again walked the streets. This time I saw things so differently. I embraced the calm and quiet. I enjoyed the small town feel with the mountains in the distance. I appreciated when people knew who we were (NOLS students). It felt like I belonged and I didn’t want to leave. If I wasn’t contracted to teach the next school year, I don’t think I would have returned.

I’ve lived in Connecticut my entire life. I have only visited states on the East Coast besides California, where I stayed in Los Angeles.  I’ve always encountered lifestyles that were fast paced, stressful, full of pretentious individuals where nobody could care less about anyone else. Sure, we’d go on vacation and people there were friendlier, but that “I’m better than you” mentality was still there. So I’ve never known any other lifestyle. That is until my venture out West.

After my NOLS course I came home different. I was calm, patient and just went with the flow for a couple months. I liked who I was then. I really started to appreciate the quietness and the calmness and would sit in the grass and just listen to the leaves and birds. After a couple months, I lost that. It went away. The people around me were stressed, negative, and unpleasant to the point where it brought me back to the place I was before.  I didn’t want to return to this negative, burdensome feeling, but everything was forcing me in that direction.  I was swimming upstream with a current that was too strong. That’s all that was around me. Now those that know me know that I am a big believer that you control your happiness and if you aren’t happy, you can’t blame others, you need to make some changes yourself. So that’s what I did.

April comes around, and I had been offered a P.E. and Health position at a Middle School in Douglas, Wyoming. After a tough two day dilemma including pro and con charts, endless conversations with family members, and ridiculous amounts of research, I decided that it was time to make that change. So I accepted the position and began this incredibly crazy journey towards moving out West.

Now I’m scared. I’m not sure if I am chasing something that isn’t really there. Maybe I experienced something I will never experience again. Maybe the regular life (not living in the wilderness) is just as stressful there. Maybe the people are just as negative and fast paced. Maybe I have regressed back to the “I could never live in a small town in Wyoming” mentality. What if I can’t handle the long winter? What if I can’t make friends? What if I hate my job or my coworker? What if I think I will do all this climbing and biking and slacking and outdoorsy stuff and I don’t? What if I can’t afford it? What if I end up more miserable than before? What if I hate it…..?

It was so easy the first time. Thinking of reasons to not go are just as easy. I’m also afraid it won’t be that simple to find that part of me again. Is it even a part of me, buried deep beneath this East Coast vibe? I guess I won’t know until I get there. But if there is one thing I have learned so far it’s that it is okay to try something new and different to see if it’ll fit, even if it is an extreme. I am moving 1,800 miles West where I know nobody. But I believe that given the opportunity I was provided, that I would regret not trying it more so than if I go and end up hating it. At least I can say I tried to find happiness in a place since I know for a fact, that Connecticut is not that place for me.  I mean…. I can also move again if I don’t like it.

So when people ask me why I would go to Wyoming, inside my head I laugh. I laugh because a part of me doesn’t know, it is full of questions. A part of me believes that there is a lifestyle out there that will make me happier and that I will enjoy more. And, another part of me is just that crazy, and thriving for an adventure that I would dare attempt this move. I’m still young, and I have plenty of time left to make my mistakes and learn from them. At least I’m not getting stuck somewhere that is not making me feel good about who I am as a person.  That I believe is the most important thing of all. So I guess I don’t care if I reach and there isn’t anything there. I’ll fall, pick myself back up, and start thinking about where I think that “thing” is and work towards it all over again.

Will I Ever Be Content?

Have you ever asked yourself if you’re in a place where you are truly happy? Is there such a place? What if I lived somewhere else? What if I was with someone else? What if I were doing something else with my life?

At this point in my life, I am currently fighting off that feeling of becoming content. That word scares me. I have a great job, a place to live, food to eat, and family to visit. But is this it for me? I worry that I am not quite finished exploring and discovering myself and my desires. It’s just too bad we can’t start life with retirement.

Well, I guess I refuse to just settle; at least for now. I’m still young and I think I will get out somewhere and explore all options life has to offer and see what surprises me on the way. You never know what you may like until you try it. So I’ll go try something else for a bit. What my direction in life is….. Well it’s still unknown. But I have options and I am willing to keep looking into them until I find something that fits. I refuse to let my intrigue disappear just yet and I refuse to become comfortable with a mediocre life when I know that somewhere a great life is waiting for me.

I suppose my advice to everyone is to at some point in life, go try something new. Take a job you’re on the fence about. Make a move that scares you. Think of it as an adventure…one you can always change the direction of at any point in time. Go discover who exactly it is you are, what you want, and even what you don’t want. And remember that it’s okay to make a mistake.

But…..i do still fear the question that remains unanswered for me…. Will I ever be content with my life? Or will I forever be a chaser?

My Happy Place

Written April 22nd, 2013

I recently spent the weekend in the Cape with my mother, twin sister and her baby, my uncle and his wife. It was a great weekend spent bonding with my family. But above all, I got to spend it with my nephew. He is an 18 month old cutie who loves to be outside and is easily entertained with a stick, a rock, or grass…….a man after my own heart.

I enjoyed my weekend climbing stairs and butt sliding down with him. We played on the floor, with nature, and napped on a chair. And for the first time, one of my eight nieces and nephews came to me. He wanted me to pick him up or bring him outside, or he just wanted to give me a hug and a kiss.

Someone asked me once if I felt a bigger bond with my twin sisters’ son over my other nieces and nephews just because he is the son of my twin and I didn’t know what to say. Now I know the answer. I know now that the stronger connection is there and the fact that my sister encourages him to come outside with me to “touch nature” just increases the strength of it so much more.  A pure, untouched place for us to enjoy our common love for the outdoors.

Now the problem comes in with the fact that I don’t see them that much since they live over an hour away and we are all so busy. I dropped my sister and my nephew off after that weekend and realized something big. I realized that the only thing I need in order to feel satisfied and completely happy is to have a relationship with my sister and her son and to see them both safe and happy. I would go to the ends of the world and do anything to make that a constant in their lives forever. I never want to see them hurt, even though it is inevitable that things are going to hurt them. So in the car that day, I tried to imagine my life in a place where I started anew and was completely happy. I was in a house surrounded by open plains that led to tall mountains, with blue skies and a cool breeze.  And then there they were….. my sister and my nephew playing in the fields with smiles, feeling pure joy and no worries to be found. And I realized that is my happy place.  So when I need to find some happy thoughts when times are tough, I remember Peter Pan when he said “all you have to do is think one happy thought, and you'll fly like me,” and I know I can go to this place…..and feel a little peace and happiness.

And I know….anything is possible….. maybe one day I can have my happy place for real.

"My Kids"

I am 27 years old and in no way interested in having children anytime soon. Between being a teacher and having about 600 kids that I say goodbye to at 2:30 five times a week and the kids that I coach, I think I have plenty of kids that fulfill that maternal drive…even though I’m sure I’m lacking some of that.

With that said, believe it or not, there is a group of children that I hold dear to my heart and I call them “my kids.” I push them hard, I yell at them, they make me cry, I make them cry, I am proud of their accomplishments, I am disappointed in their bad decisions, and I love them like they were my own. I may not know how to share or even show these feelings, but they are there.

I have coached some of “my kids” for almost 9 years… I have watched them grow into the young adults they are today. I have watched them stumble, try to figure out who they are, make mistakes, fight with each other, go through break-ups and first loves….everything a mother would experience. I continue to watch these things happen with my older kids as well as my younger kids. My focus in this blog however, is on my older kids… the kids that I have watched grow the most.

About a year ago, as I drove home from practice one day, I began to think about the fact that “my kids” would be graduating high school within the next couple of years. They came to me in middle school and elementary school, and soon they would be moving on and leaving us behind. I cried that day and called my father who has been coaching in this program for 20 years to see if this was “normal.” He replied that it was. We create such strong bonds with our kids that the proud but sad feeling you get when you realize it may be ending soon definitely hits hard.

I have been through a lot with “my kids.” I have suspended them from my practices for things they have done outside of my gym, I have screamed at them, walked out of practices for being disrespected, I have sat them out of practices for poor decisions and for avoiding responsibility. Every time I believe that they will hate me. My fear of losing any one of “my kids” is a strong one. But, I am not afraid to accept that fact in hopes that my disciplinary actions will make them better human beings. I am willing to sacrifice my connection with “my kids” so that they, if not now but hopefully at some point in the future, will realize and understand that everything I ever do to them is FOR them. It is so they can learn and grow to be the responsible, hardworking and respectful individuals I know they could be. I never want any of “my kids” to feel like they will never become anything great in this world, because they all have the potential to be the exact opposite. I KNOW they can all be successful individuals that can create positive changes in this world. I have seen glimpses of this in every one of them.  And this is what mothers see in their own children right?

At times their parents fail to understand why I do what I do to their children, but in a way I think that the kids do understand. Even if they don’t want to admit it. What their parents fail to realize sometimes, is that their kids are “my kids.” I am solely responsible for them when I take them on weekend or week long events. When they have problems, they come to me. When I see them sad or angry, I am concerned and try to fix the situation. I have spent night’s playing cards with them, goofing around with them, letting them break rules and then getting them to follow the rules. I have trusted them and have been hurt at times. I have felt everything that their parents have felt. So, I have no problem pushing them and disciplining them as hard as their parents do. So far, I have lost none of “my kids” from this. I don’t know why this is; I thought I would have lost some of them a long time ago. Whether it is their connection to me, or just what my organization gives to them, or if their parents force them to continue to come, it doesn't matter. If they leave for college one day, and never think of me again, it doesn't matter.  They are still a very big and special part of my life and no matter where my life takes me or where their life takes them, I will always be interested and affected by their disappointments and accomplishments. I will be there for them and will be routing for their success forever.

So when I yell, cry, discipline or walk out, it’s because I love you....... and know you’re better than that. I am proud of who you all have become and know you will do great things in the future. I appreciate everything you have done for me and our organization. Some of you have changed me and made me realize things about myself too. I am thankful you have all allowed me into your lives. Thank you.