Why I'm Lame

I like to consider myself a fun, energetic person who can definitely be the life of the party. But which party is the question.

Lately I have been running into situations that have bugged me since I turned 21. And here I thought it would have ended since I am now 28. I have never been someone who feels that one of the main reasons people (friends) get together is to drink or smoke or things of that nature.  I prefer to get together and watch movies, hang out, eat, and especially play!  Get outdoors and hike and try new exciting things, or play sports, or bike ride.  Apparently, this has made me pretty different from a lot of people I have met in my life, and I just don’t think I’m understood.

I do tend to feel awkward around a lot of people I do not really know and I choose to not handle that feeling with drinking or smoking.  Instead, I may be quiet (which is quite strange for people who know me) or I take myself out of that situation all together (probably not the best way to handle it since I am avoiding an opportunity to make friends).  Lately, I have been feeling pretty loser-ish.

There was a holiday party the other night, and I decided not to go. I just did not feel in the mood to hang around a bunch of people I did not know, and I was exhausted from my day at work. Then came the text message about how I’m lame. Misunderstood or not, it kind of hurts. I feel that people think I’m no fun because I prefer a different kind of “fun.”  I just don’t find drinking to be all that exciting. But…. I guess I’m lame.

Now why am I misunderstood?  It is not my fault that I feel awkward and uncomfortable around people who are smoking or getting drunk. I don’t know what it is or why I am that way. Maybe from things I have seen and dealt with in the past?  Maybe because I never brought myself into an underage party scene because I just wasn’t into that stuff. I don’t know. Yes, back in the day in high school, I judged. I didn’t want to hang out with those people because I did think it was bad and I did have a lower level of respect for people who thought it was cool or exciting to underage drink and smoke and stuff. However, I have matured and now that we are of age to drink, I have no problem with people making their own decisions as long as they are safe, smart and responsible. I don’t say anything to anyone or do anything. I leave if I am uncomfortable and know not to go to those places again if I feel that way.

So, what am I getting at?   I feel that people think that I believe I am better than them. That I am judging them. That I think poorly of them. That they can’t measure up to my high expectations. I think this is why I am called lame. But I don’t think or do those things. I just do me. But unfortunately, I still think people feel pressured by me. And I’m stuck.  Maybe this is why I don’t get invited anywhere by people, or why I don’t have friends. Because my fun is different and even when I do go out, my decision to just have one, or to not have any, maybe makes people feel negative things towards me. Whether it’s inferior, or judged, or awkward, or whatever.  And this…..sucks for me. The same goes for drug use. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I can’t control that feeling, but because I choose to not participate, does not mean I am judging people negatively.

I have these instances not just with acquaintances or friends, but also with loved ones. I feel them get defensive and it hurts me. Sure, I wish that my loved ones would make better, healthier decisions for themselves, but its’ just that….it’s their decision, not mine. So I let them. Do I love them less? No. But one thing I do not like is the way these substances make people someone they are not. I love people for who they are…..then comes the drugs and alcohol and their personality changes. It makes me sad, but again I do realize it is their choice. I have no right to judge. But if I feel uncomfortable being around people I love when they are not themselves, then I feel I have every right to not put myself in those situations. This does not mean I am judging them negatively. But, apparently it means I am lame, or a goodie goodie, or that I have high expectations or am too moral. And even if they don’t say it, they insinuate it by asking me questions (some sarcastic) like “oh it’s not okay that I do this,” “you want me to say I’ll never do it again, because I’m not going to say that,” “you’re just too good for this right, you must be better than me.”

It hurts so much to feel so outside. To wonder what is wrong with myself. It’s so normal for everyone else and it’s hard to not feel judged or misunderstood, especially by those who love me.

So please forgive me for not feeling comfortable enough to participate in drug use, or choosing to get drunk and feel that drinking is the only way to hang out with people. I do not judge you, and I am sorry if my presence and actions are misunderstood for something negative. I am just so tired of feeling like I make other people feel like garbage when I don’t mean it. And I am also tired of feeling like garbage when people act stupid at certain social gatherings (at the bar a couple weeks ago some guy came up to me and asked “oh, where’s the cute one?” referring to where my female friend was).  One reason why I again choose to not to go out to bars.  But again, my apologies to all those people who feel like I make them feel like garbage because my version of fun is different from most others.  I guess I am sorry for being lame.