Power of Positive Thinking??

I have always been one to follow the theory of “everything happens for a reason.”  Throughout the time I spent on crutches, I tried desperately to search for that reasoning. Was I not supposed to go on the trip?  Was I a bad person? Did I say bad things about someone? What did I do?!

A family friend of ours practices holistic healing in the form of Reiki (a hands-off healing that works to change the patient’s energy/life force).  Now, I am not into this kind of stuff. I don’t practice yoga regularly, or meditate, or anything of that nature. But I was desperate and was willing to do ANYTHING in order to make my healing process go faster. Our friend squeezed me into her tight schedule and I was certified a week before my surgery. During the certification, I came across a quote which included the line “It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.”  Why was I so afraid to ACCEPT the fact that my knee was injured and see the good it had to offer me?  My family friend kept advising me of the power of positive talk. I didn’t have “bad knees,” I just had an “injured knee.”  The latter is healable, the first is not. Her positive energy and words really did help me to see that it was okay to be injured, it happens and I have no control over it. But I do have the control over how I feel about it and what I can do about it.  Stop playing the victim, and start fixing the situation. From the moment I walked out of her house, I felt a renewed energy inside me. A positive energy that said “I can get through this, and I WILL be on that NOLS course, if not now, later.”

How could I feel so sorry and miserable for myself?  I have middle school students who fight disease, disabilities, death, and so much more each day. And they are only 12 year olds! At least I have something that can be fixed. I will be able to exercise again. I will be able to climb, and slackline. I will overcome this miniscule challenge as I have seen my students get through worse. So, I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I looked around at my students, my reiki master, and other places to find the positive encouragement I needed to believe that I would make it to Wyoming.

It was April 20th, 2012 and I was feeling groggy coming back from the anesthesia. I was drinking some gingerale, which I don’t at all remember ordering, but apparently I did…. And I was eating a buttered English muffin. The first words that came out of my Doctor’s mouth when he strolled into the waiting room to debrief my mother on how I had done were, “she’ll be able to go on her NOLS trip.”  Well, apparently he had not forgotten my number one fear and priority. But, he failed to explain just how hard, mentally and physically, the rehab was going to be for me.

I had exactly 3 months to prepare my body for a grueling experience. Recovery time for an athlete with this injury is 3-4 months following surgery. I walked into my rehabilitation center and met Lisa, the woman who would assist in my recovery. After the initial assessment, I asked her if she felt I would be ready to hike miles and miles up and down mountains with a 50-60lb pound pack on my back in the Wind River Range in Wyoming.  I don’t think I’ll ever forget her look of nervousness, as I knew she heard the desperateness in my voice. Her reply…. “we have a lot of work to do.”  I could barely bend my leg and straightening… forget it. It had been in the same position for a month and half.  Measurements compared the muscle in my two legs and the findings were disheartening. I lost at least an inch, some places an inch and a half, off my muscles in my left leg. BUT! Stay positive…. The positive is that I had been working out like a fiend for the past two years and guess what? Muscles have memory, and hopefully my muscle memory wasn’t suffering from Alzheimer’s.  “Okay Karyn, flex your quadriceps muscle…… are you doing it?”  I replied “yeah totally…” Well, oh crud. Apparently my quad had forgotten how to contract. It’s okay!!! Minor setback. I can do this!  If there is one thing I am not, I am NOT a quitter. I was determined to give it my all.  And that apparently showed to the employees at the rehab center as the note in my folder read “challenge her, she likes to be challenged.”

I spent two months, twice a week at the center and three times a week at home, working on my leg. Forcing an extremely painful bend and extension every day, multiple times.  Lunges that felt so wrong, single leg pressing an embarrassing 20 pounds and then increasing to 70, learning how to jog again, and working the flexibility I had lost…. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth the pain.  I would be close to tears in between my classes at school, as the pain trying to use my leg was horrible at times, especially after standing all day teaching P.E. The tears too almost came because it was hard. I wanted to give in to the negative thoughts about giving up and never accomplishing the things that were inside my heart. But, I was determined. “Hey Ms. C, are you excited for your wilderness trip?” my students would ask. My reply…. “HECK YEAH!!”

Well, it happened. With the deer antler I started taking immediately after my surgery, to the reiki sessions I did to my knee, to the extra work and effort I did during the rehab of my knee….. I healed. It wasn’t perfect yet. I was still missing the full range of motion when I would bend it, and it still ached from time to time, but I didn’t cancel my trip. I wanted to try. Would I be “that” student? The one who gets evacuated out in a helicopter because my knee gets reinjured? Oh well! At least I could say that I tried my hardest.

So what was the reason? Why did I get injured three months before a major event in my life that I was looking forward to?  Well, sometimes life gives you lemons, and you just have to make lemonade.

I needed to prove to myself that I still had it in me to overcome challenges in my life. I was tired from the fight I put into graduating from college (a post in itself). There was still fight in me though.

I needed to prove to myself that age doesn’t have anything to do with this. For so long I had said, “well, 27 already… life is going to be over soon, better get cracking now.”  Life isn’t over. Age is just a number… it’s more about how you FEEL. And heck, I feel like I’m 16 (yea yea… mentally too I guess…).  Well, maybe not 16 physically, but I still feel very capable of doing things.  =-D

I also needed to make myself realize that it is okay to show my weaknesses. I’m a strong willed, independent woman who does not need SOMEONE to take care of me. But, sometimes I need help too and it’s okay to ask for it when I need it.

And finally, I needed to know that things I want in my life can be taken away from me. I knew I would graduate college, and that couldn’t be taken from me. But a trip with physical requirements could. But with a little hard work and a LOT of positive talk and a determination to make something happen helped put a stop to my dream trip being taken away from me.

You are all capable individuals. Capable of much greater than you think you are. If you have a dream, if you have a goal, if you have the smallest desire to go do something, what are you waiting for? Happiness is not delivered, it is chased. Achieve something you thought was impossible, and you realize that the world is your playground.  Those who sit back and are negative and who play the victim will wait a very long time to ever experience true happiness. But those who stay positive, work hard, and dedicate the time and effort needed to succeed will be immersed in it.

For me, at this point, it wasn’t necessarily about the injury anymore, but it was about the journey I took to heal not only my knee but my thoughts, and where it could and would lead me.

“Your goals are the road maps that guide you and show you what is possible for your life.” – Les Brown