To My Future Self

The following letter was written the last couple of days of my time in the Wind River Range of Wyoming during my NOLS course:


Dear Future Karyn,

I am so tremendously proud of you for staying strong and making it to and through this NOLS course. You have met and learned from some amazing individuals that I am sure you will never forget. It is a sad time but always remember that you can take and use this happiness and simplicity anywhere. Whether you stay in CT or move somewhere else you will find this and live this. Don’t stress too much and let time go sometimes. Stare at the stars, clouds, trees, flowers and all that is natural; lay in the grass, get dirty, smell the air. RELAX and ENJOY life and all the natural beauty around you. No matter what happens you will be ok, you will be loved, you will be respected, you will be happy and will get through anything. You are a resilient person who can inspire and help change/lead others for the better. Continue to be a good person and just… breathe and live in the moment. Don’t forget who you are, where you came from, and where you may want to go.

Love Always,
Karyn

P.S. Remember this experience always, it will ground you and get you through your hard times.

Sometimes Goodbye's The Hardest Thing...

August 8th, 2012:  Last night I woke to the sound of….squirrels? Coyote? Sounded like something was dying for sure.  Maybe it was in my head and it was just the feeling I have inside me…. Like something is dying.

We gathered up the gear and walked to the bus by ourselves in silent reflection. It was an eerie walk. I felt like my life was ending. I was afraid.

We were greeted with bagels, O.J., milk, cereal, yogurt, bananas, strawberries, scones..YUMMY!

Jared and I loaded up the top of the bus and secured all our packs with a rope. We ate breakfast quickly then off we were back to Lander. On the way back I did get to experience my first Wyoming construction area which resulted in the bus driver turning off the bus and resting his feet on the dash. “What the heck is going on???” I asked. Apparently we waited at least 10 minutes for a pilot car to come lead us past one lane of construction about 2 miles down the road. SO ODD!

We returned to NOLS and unloaded the bus and got straight to cleaning. Lee and I cleaned the kitchenware. THEN WE SHOWERED!  I think us three girls were in there for about 45 minutes. HaHa. Then I de-issued my personal gear I rented and packed my bags. It was all so hurried and so weird. I was still happy to be with everyone though. We were told not to go crazy on the phones and to just make quick phone calls to our parents or loved ones. We needed time to get back to reality and settle in but at the same time realize we were still with each other and it was not over yet. To be honest, I didn’t want to call anyone. I did call my father though and then my mother, both VERY happy to hear I was still alive. Apparently I’m the kid that causes them heart issues with all the crazy things I do. I was happy to then turn my phone back off and remain calm and stress free.

Lillie’s parents let us borrow their car and we drove to the store to purchase fruit snacks! About 4 days in, Lillie and I discovered we both had an addiction to them, so we made a plan for that to be our first purchase when we returned. Then we drove to the Noble Hotel to drop off our things in our dorm room. Then it was back to NOLS for the BBQ lunch which was fun. We played some hacky sack and a boy from the other rock course recognized me from our climbing gym in CT. So weird!

The crew then walked to the headquarters to have a debriefing with some guy Darren we all assumed was someone very important. We evaluated the course, food, amenities, instructors, everything from start to finish. I got called out for my odd little bonding I had with someone and I’m pretty sure I blushed my way through it. We then got to take stickers and calendars and brochures and posters representing NOLS. We were very happy to take them. Then we went for a walk around town.

Before graduation, Andrew put on a hula hoop showing for us which was really awesome! Then we graduated. We sat in rows with an aisle on the “poop grass” and Andrew hooped while we all hummed pomp and circumstance and Jared and Adam called our names and handed us our certificates. It was hilariously odd. Totally fitting our group. Then we walked to the Gannett Grill for dinner followed by the Ice Cream Shack for dessert. I got a chokecherry shake and Jared tried to pay for mine since he did owe me ice cream (hitting me with his shoe), but I felt bad so I declined and paid for my own. Leave it to me to be the only person to have done that.

The crew then went off to do “things” and go to the movies and the instructors went to reunite and hang with friends in town, and I returned to the Noble Hotel by myself and continued to desensitize myself. I sat alone in the dark, in the rec room watching Juno on TV. I started getting texts from my friends, but I was still so overwhelmed. While I was away, one of my good friends wrote me a facebook message every day I was gone. But, I couldn’t read them. I couldn’t bring myself back. I felt stressed just looking at the texts and messages. Why was this happening?? I can’t explain it. I wanted to shut out that stress. I wasn’t ready for it. So, I ignored them. Will I regret this later? Maybe… but for once, I was doing something that felt good for MYSELF. And I just was not ready to open those doors again. In a way I wanted to rid my life of those stressors.

While sitting watching the movie and mentally analyzing what I was feeling, I was saved, once again, by Jared. He just always seems to be around at the right time. He poked his head around the corner asked why I was alone, and joined me to watch the end of the movie. I was happy to have company, and glad in a way that it was him. He just projects this calmness, something I needed at that time.

After the movie he asked if I played pool and I replied with “yeah, but I’m not any good.” He agreed that he wasn’t either and we played about 10 games of hilariously funny pool. I won 8 times…and I swear, I’m not usually that good!  Jared won twice…once on a scratch I made on my break. We joked a lot and made deals that for every time he lost he owed me ice creams. Pretty sure some double or nothing’s came up too. At the end we decided he owed me 10, or maybe I decided that?  He cheated a lot during the games too… “walking the dog.” Fell on the floor laughing numerous times. I had a great night.

The crew returned, more pool was played, and then we were kicked out of the rec room around 12:00am for bed. I went to bed smiling one last time.


August 9th, 2012:  This is it. I woke up, packed my things and dropped my bags in the foyer and went with Paige and Lillie to grab breakfast and hot chocolate at the café across the street. We all said our goodbyes and people trickled out.  Some had left before I even woke up. Our shuttle showed up, and we said or goodbyes to the last remaining peers and Jared. I hugged Jared and thanked him for everything he had done for me. But in a way, I don’t think he quite realizes all that he has done for me. I hope one day that one of my students gets something this great from an experience I helped give to them.

I got onto the shuttle with Rich, Jack and Dalton and students from the other course and we were off to the Riverton Airport.

I’m sad. I don’t want to lose this feeling of odd relaxation and no stress. I feel slowed and calm and I have never once in my life felt this way. Is it the mountains? Is it the people? I don’t know if I’ll ever know the answer. I do NOT want to leave and if I weren't contracted to teach this year, I don’t think I would. I thought that my visit coming up to Colorado was going to be better, but there are just too many people and things there. I think I fell in love with the quiet emptiness that Wyoming offers. It is so peaceful, everything the East Coast is not.

The End?

Epic Fails and Realizations

August 6th, 2012: Woke up this morning… failed to record what breakfast was today…. Maybe my feelings are getting to me.  Our lesson was on land management. Why should I care?  It was really interesting and I really love how passionate Adam is about the land and what he does for a living and about anything that he has ever really talked about with me. I really enjoy listening to him when he teaches to us. He’s real…

We cleaned up our site and left no trace. Andrew shouted to the group “I found more garbage” and ran over to me and picked me up to try to put me inside a garbage bag. Our last bit of fun here.

We then hiked 6 miles past and down Big Sandy. Our hiking group definitely failed in decision making when we got disoriented reading the map. I was with Jared (as usual), Dalton, Lee and Paige. Our hike was great in the beginning. All making the easy decisions and then compromising when the boys wanted to go a different direction. We got to play Ninja at our first break which was a lot of fun!  I was pretty hyper at this break. Dancing, busting moves…. Trying to defeat Jared in Ninja… I lost.  By the time we got to the second break location, reality was setting in that this time here was ending. I saw people. Not the people I felt comfortable with, but strangers! Our path took us for a short time on a busy section of trail and we saw animals, children, adults… it felt weird. I hadn’t seen anyone except the 13 other people for almost 3 weeks.

Anyways, at the second session we had a Ukulele jam sesh which got me to relax a bit. Had to find somewhere to go to the bathroom… I was pretty nervous since there were so many people around! Strange people! The group yelled and joked about people coming my way the whole time I was out there. Such nice friends. After this break, the discouraging, frustrating time commenced. We had to go off trail and follow a stream… but we could not figure out which stream it was…. So instead of going downstream, we went upstream and failed to notice. When we did, we started getting frustrated, no one wanted to make decisions and we struggled. Jared knew we were going in the wrong direction but didn’t tell us. Now, most people would be very angry at this, but I don’t think any of us were. I think we all realize that sometimes you fail and you have to fix it. Lee would say “we got lost” and Jared would simply say, you weren’t lost and he was right. We could fix this. Even though it required more walking and more unsure terrain, in the end it was fine. We had to learn to get through this, and oh boy it was interesting and I’m sure we all felt some dislike towards each other at times.

Well, we made it to camp, but it was tough. I had quite the hike today. The group walked across a shallow stream and I was a caboose. While walking, I fell into a hold and landed on my back. I felt like a turtle… I couldn’t get up! I rolled side to side but my pack was too heavy to lift without taking it off. Half way across the stream Jared turned around… smiled and said, “Do you need help?”  I felt like an idiot, but said yes. He came back, took my hand and lifted me up to my feet. But it didn’t end there.

I was trying hard to keep up with my long legged hiking group. HELLO! T-REX HERE!  We were next to a river, hopping over little moats it created to stay on the higher ground. The tall grass EVERYWHERE did not help the situation, nor did my feeling to protect my knees and fear of falling and hurting them.  I again, was the caboose. I followed Paige’s steps and made a hop to high ground and WHOOPS! I fell face first into a moat. My foot slid into a channel on the left, my right leg went to the channel on the right, and my face went straight down, hitting water. At first I was scared… my pack was SO heavy I thought I would drown. I HATE going underwater. I’ve never been an underwater type of gal.  When I realized I was able to lift my face up out of the water and my pack was stuck on higher ground supporting my body, I knew I was safe, and I knew I just looked like a complete a$$. Paige had screamed nervously and tried to help to no avail. After replaying the fall and imagining what I must have looked like, I proceeded to laugh hysterically…still lying face down in the channels. I laughed SO hard I cried. At first the group was worried, but when they saw that I was laugh/crying, they joined in. Jared even taped it. Epic Fail. Jared finally helped get my pack off and helped me up... wet with tears coming down my face. Second save of the day by Jared.

We carried on. The mood lightened, then brought down again when navigational directions needed to be made. Dalton took the lead since no one else wanted to. I would have, but my feelings had been quite hurt on the hike. I would try to be involved and the map would be moved away. I don’t think the boys meant to, they were just trying to make decisions, but it still hurt to feel like my ideas didn’t matter. I’m not strong on navigating and reading maps, and I knew that. I recognize my weaknesses and step back to add my thoughts in order to have someone nicely correct me if I’m wrong so that I learn. I also listened a lot so that I could learn from my peers who were stronger at it than I. So, for the reason that I was clueless, I didn’t step up. Looking back now, I do regret worrying about being wrong or making a mistake. That’s how you learn sometimes.

Our debriefing was serious once we magically found our camp site in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE! We talked of our breakdown in communication. We walked on egg shells for a bit. It’s hard to have 4 strong leaders all trying to lead. My philosophy has always been that a strong leader knows when to lead, and when to follow. I had changed my view on the hike as needing to follow and that was taken as being bad, but I’ll stand by my decision.

Dalton and I went and made gato gato for dinner. Lee then did his environmental explorer lesson and we completed instructor and program evaluations. It was a long night.  Bed time was around 9:30pm. Our campsite is in the middle of a crazy forest filled with trees and it was VERY disorienting trying to get to the tents from the kitchen site since I had only been there once today. Got a little lost trying to find the tents but I made it there. Laying in the tent with Paige we hear Lillie and Dalton and Lee walking around. After about 10 minutes I hear Lillie, in a scared little girl voice say, “HELLO?...”  I yelled back and she was so happy. Apparently they had walked completely around the tent area but could not find the tents.
Tomorrow is our last hiking day. About 4 miles then ¼ of a mile on the last day to be picked up. I’m sad.



August 7th, 2012:  Failed to write much today. I think I’m getting overwhelmed. We learned about gear and how to continue climbing when we get home, etc. Andrew also read to us the Shel Silverstein story of When the Piece Met the Big O. Great way to begin the ending.

Then we began our last big day of hiking. I hiked with Jared, Rich, Lillie and Nate. It started out well and then we got to a beautiful meadow. After that, I swear, we walked straight into hell.  We made the decision to go right. At this point, I was again discouraged. I was asked to lead and I said sure! Why not. After yesterdays debacle I figured it couldn’t get any worse and my group seemed supportive. Well, my leading turned into me walking behind people. It just felt like the others wanted to lead and make the decisions, and I did not want to start any tension, so I gave up. Again, sacrificing myself for others. I really need to work on this.

Well, we walked straight into Boulder City. A city of boulders…as far as the eye could see. We ended up boulder hopping (HUGE boulders, no joke) for well over an hour. I was SO tired. I am 110 pounds, 5 foot 1 and carrying a 50 something pound pack and now add jumping from boulder to boulder trying not to lose balance and fall backwards. Took a lot of effort. I even fell on my knee once (yes, the one I had surgery on a couple months ago). My mental state was wearing thin. I was slow going to ensure my safety and the others cruised along with their long legs. At this point I didn’t care, I wanted to stay safe. I’ll be honest though, I wanted to break down and cry. Every direction you looked was boulders for as far as you could see, and I was tired and done with them. BUT, I don’t give up when it comes to this physical kind of stuff. I fought against that discouraging mental state, stayed positive and overcame those feelings. This is why I enjoy nature and the unknown. You’ve got to overcome feelings of negativity and just get it done.

We walked a couple miles through a meadow next to a river and Jared jumped right in! We got to camp easily after that. I fell behind a lot. At this point, I didn’t care about keeping up. My short little legs were tired of doing that for 3 weeks and I was going to go at my own pace. So I did. We had left our last camp around 10:05am and got to our last camp site (an actual camp site) around 4:00pm.

We cooked falafel for dinner and received my evaluation from Jared. Boy, was that an awkward time. I’m so used to giving the grade as a teacher…. To actually sit down and have someone critique me was weird. Jared said I did excellent and thinks that I should pursue for NOLS instructor and stay involved with climbing. I joked a lot with him all day today. I think I’m really going to miss him. His overall disgustingness (=-P), sense of humor, grayness, simplicity, has really grown on me. I hope I can stay in touch with him.

After dinner we started sorting and cleaning for our pick-up tomorrow. I helped gather like equipment and Andrew helped me with retiring/fixing/keeping maps. He also made fun of my laugh this evening. Said it sounded like a “creepy Aunt laugh.” HA! I think he felt bad after he made that comment, but I really didn’t care. I get comments on my laugh ALL the time. I finally have just accepted it and say to myself, at least it’s real and it shows how happy I truly am.

We did some great closing activities afterwards. Andrew made us hear, feel and smell with our eyes closed. Our senses are heightened. We passed around burning sage and reflected as a group. It got to me and I cried again and didn’t get to say all that I had wanted to. Basically, I have learned SO much from everyone and the experience. I always searched for happiness and this has opened a whole new door to that and I am still SO overwhelmed with my feelings and the changes that I feel from this. There’s a bond that has been created, and it’s sad to know that we will soon be going our separate ways. I feel that because I am so much older than the other students that I took something different away from this experience. Something deeper that they’ll understand in time I’m sure.  Jared then had us recap each day and we had a great time reminiscing and laughing at the good and hard times we had.

Finally, we stood in a circle facing out, eyes closed. Two people went into the middle and Adam read statements like “tap someone who taught you something; tap someone who has nice hair; etc” It was very gratifying and nice to know what some people felt about you, even though you didn’t know who it was. I got tapped a lot for being organized, always smiling, teaching something, changing, and supporting. It was a really nice way of saying to someone that they noticed. Even if it wasn’t said aloud, it was noticed.

Tomorrow we gather at 5:30am, walk 5 minutes to our bus pick up, drive to Lander with breakfast on the bus. Group de-issue, shower, individual de-issue, a BBQ lunch, clean, and dinner with the group.

“I am so sad to leave this experience behind and almost don’t want to go back and talk to people and be connected again. It is Never Neverland out here and it feels SO good to not have to worry about materialistic, non-dire things. I didn’t have to deal with family drama or feelings about home-life, or work, etc. I have this strong urge to find happiness and try to live simple. Do not fall into a technological hole or have to have the best of everything. Just get by, respect everyone and everything and DO WHAT YOU LOVE.”

Meet the Stars....

August 4th, 2012:  This morning I woke and walked to the kitchen, the first there as usual. I like to sleep in till about 8:30 at home, but when I go places, I don’t like to, especially here. I have found that one of my favorite parts of the day is waking up and being alone in the kitchen, even if it is for a few minutes. Today I was welcomed to a wonderful view of the moon still sitting proudly over the mountains. Made me smile. Then of course, it was time to make the grits.

Nate gave us his environmental explorer lesson on Giardia. Of course, I already knew everything about it because I’m a nut and looked all this up before coming out here. Good thing there weren’t any other drinking options and good thing the instructors kept asking us how many liters we drank, or else I’d be dehydrated to the point of an evac I bet. Anywhom, then we geared up and headed to South America…? We learned the munter hitch and munter mule overhand in order to do rescue belays. HOW FUN! I practiced with Rich and surprised myself when I did really well. I really enjoy tying knots and learning all these things!

Then I tried the 5.11 splitter crack route again and felt soooooo good when I got farther than the last time! Again, I climb for personal successes and for the challenge. I completed like 6 jam moves which was a huge feat for me. My hands hurt so badly and bled but it was awesome to get so far and work on my skills. It was freezing on the crag today too. Definitely bundled up.

Jared then took Nate and I to our newly ascended routes near the tents and I mock led “Afternoon Delight” and after Jared checked my placement, he reported back, in his vague way, that I had perfect gear placement. OH MAN! This meant I could do my first lead climb!!! I was giddy inside, but of course tried not to show it, nervous too! Did my lead and had a couple iffy placements but overall not bad at all. I was SO proud that I had surpassed my goal of just mock leading. Jared then offered my “Crack of Dreams” to mock lead and I did. Wouldn’t pass up that offer! Had to do a lot of gardening on that route, had 2 funky placements, but still believed I did really well for being the first person to mock lead it.

Overall, a superb climbing day! Jared and I packed up and went back for dinner, Jared continuing to make fun of me for my first kiss story (“don’t I owe you something”).  At the crag today, Jack and Jared played it out against the rock wall…..too funny. Glad I can bring entertainment to the group somehow. Made some bomber calzones for dinner then had a meeting. Andrew taught us about the mental part of climbing which was really intriguing, then Lee and Chase were on the hot seats. Afterwards Andrew, Jared and I chatted about the day, shared some pictures of the day then we all retired eventually for bed.

August 5th, 2012:  Woke up with Paige today and actually…..wait for it…. BRUSHED MY HAIR. Quite a feat in itself.  Breakfast was cornbread and cheese. Today is the last day of climbing. I’m really sad about that. We headed over to South Africa/America…for the love of Pete I can’t get it right [and I kept referring to it as both in my journal…haha].  We started with a lesson on how to clean gear (rappel or belay style) and being redundant was again reinforced. Since I was “check failing” (according to Chase) rappelling, I practiced with Jared on a mock set up.  Then we got a lesson on homemade aid devices with a short and long cordelette.  I unfortunately did not get around to trying it though since I was so busy today with learning other things and making sure I got the rappel set up down.

After this, Andrew helped me with rappelling, then gave Lillie and I a private lesson on multi-pitching belay styles and transitions. It was really cool that he would take the time to teach us something we were thoroughly interested in, when he didn’t have to.  Then I went with Andrew to do some climbing. He sent the splitter crack twice in a row!! And I tried again, getting some great jams in, but only getting half way. I did another lead climb perfectly with Adam while Lee belayed me too. Then I moved on to red point the 5.10a with Jared belaying me and I had no problems this time (was it the pressure to do well since it was Jared belaying me??? I’ll take it if it was!). This time on the climb I used a lot of hand jams.

Towards the end of the day everyone looked pretty beat and was just hanging out and not climbing anymore. I enjoyed watching the instructors climb (and take off articles of clothing during climbs…. And NO I will NOT wash your shirt Jared…) and just had fun learning from observing them. I then, of course, wanted to do one last lead climb so Jared okayed it and came to belay me since everyone else seemed kind of dead to the world. After reaching the anchor, I then clipped in and did a multi-pitch belay for Jared to join me! It was awesome! I clove hitched to the anchor, tested it, yelled “off belay” to Jared, pulled and flaked the rope till he yelled back “that’s me” then put the rope through the other anchor as a directional. I hooked up the belay device and belayed him up, only for him to tell me there was a more comfortable position I could have been in. ::sigh::  With Andrew looking on too, I was told to set up for a rappel. DAMN him! Jared got me good. I’m assuming the whole reason for this was so that he could watch me rappel one more time. Touche. I set it up, noticed myself it was funky, fixed it and then Jared replies with “great, now you’re going to rappel us both down.”  A tandem rappel! AWESOME! Something else fun and new!!!!!  It was werid….awkward… but totally mad cool. I had him anchor in, got off the rope, sent the rope through the anchor, found the middle by stacking, hooked up the rappel, Jared hooked on and I rappelled us both down to the ground! What a way to end my climbing time here in the Winds!

We gathered and counted gear, headed to base camp then spent the rest of the day checking all the gear for defects and retiring what we needed to and fixing what we could. Dinner was mac and cheese in a tortilla with fritos and dessert was no-bakes.  I had some free time, so I did some journaling while the others talked of partying…

“Gorgeous sunsets over the mountains, indescribable. Peaks of mountains as shadows against yellow and orange with shades of blue. Spotty white clouds, some forming lines. Andrew was on the hot seat and talked about living simple. I think I’d like that. I want to go home and live simple. Like this beauty. Not worry about money but instead necessity and happiness. I respect the dirtbag climbers who live to be happy and simple and who realize how easy life can be. Andrew talks so positively and always changes negatives to positives. I find it respectable and amazing. Jared thinks of all and their feelings too. All of my instructors are so caring of us. Great guys… uncompetitive…humble… a lot of fun.”

At this point, the stars were out in full force and I stayed up and spent time just looking at them. Jared stayed up too and we laid on the cold rock and he showed me all the constellations and explained things to me that I didn’t know. There are SO many stars here. Really makes me realize that there is so much more in the world and even universe than us. We are so small. There are things past these beautiful stars….it’s so humbling. It was a very relaxing time. I don’t want to lose this feeling…..or this view…..or some of these people I have bonded with.

First Ascents In Never Neverland

August 3rd, 2012:  I woke up today and made the exhausting trip down to the water to fill up all 3 groups droms like a good teammate. Lee cooked us some hash browns with sausage and cheese for breakfast. Breakfast ran late for the need to make the hash browns golden, which I didn’t really care for, and I got a tad cranky. When I don’t eat…. I get cranky, I am fully aware of this. But because I was aware, I was able to maintain my dignity and not express the crankiness.

The others going out on multi-pitches today returned without climbing due to the extreme wind on the mountains, even worse than yesterday.  So, we counted gear, gathered it up and headed to South America…or South Africa, I can’t recall.  The climbing looked amazing at this crag! We all looked at the topo and chose to set top rope anchors for a 5.7, 5.10b, 5.10c and a 5.11.  Rich and I set up an anchor for the 5.10b route.  The cliff up top was SO windy, felt like we would just blow right off it! Rich and I worked really well together. Shared our vision, divided the work and got to it, checking in with each other along the way. We made a G.R.E.A.T. anchor!  I placed 2 cams and webbing and he slung a rock (BFR).  We then of course rappelled on our anchors down to the bottom and I had a bit of a crisis occur.

So, for the rappel, I went first.  I had to go about a foot and half OVER the edge of the rock to test my gear (so I am still tethered in and safe, but this move required quite some strength, which I have plenty of). While testing my gear to see if I was all set, the carabiner on my leg loop which was attached to my autoblock (my back up safety in case I should just let go while rappelling) somehow loosened up! It was double backed and everything…so I’m not quite sure what happened! Well, I got MAD nervous and freaked and sounded a bit like this:  Karyn: “oh my god… oh my god… my leg loop….”  Andrew from the bottom: “You okay up there?”  Karyn: “I’m going to die Andrew!! Oh my god….”

Then, Jared’s head pops over the edge of the rock and inquires what my ruckus is all about. I explain it in a very hesitant, freaked out manner, talking fast and probably looking a bit fearful. Jared just looked at me and said, “Karyn, look at me….” (I looked…) “ Relax, if you’re nervous about the autoblock, take that carabiner and hook it to your belay loop. You will be fine.”  Of course, it’s Jared…. So I completely calm down, listen to him, and trust that he is telling me the truth (I mean obviously I was safe, I was still tethered in!).  Even though changing the carabiner from my leg loop to my belay loop took a lot of effort (had to pull myself up, unclip it, then pull up even higher and clip it again), I knew I was going to be okay, because Jared said I would be.  I changed the carabiner and then successfully rappelled down with no problems. I swear, rappelling hates me. And to top it off, I was completely embarrassed by the whole thing. So when Jared finally came down, I could barely look at him out of pure embarrassment. I ran away and he asked what the problem was so I explained it and he comforted me by telling me that even if you know you are safe, it can be pretty nerve racking when gear does something like that. I don’t know how he does it, but he always manages to make me feel better, calm and safe.

After that I had some snacks (a.k.a. lunch) and lead belayed Jared so he could set the 5.7 routes anchor. Due to the joking nature of our relationship, I cunningly asked “you trust me?” as a way to come off as being “gray.”  Andrew overheard and inserted that “I don’t know… anyone who says that can’t be trusted.”  Jared said he did… so I win! Haha  I think I did well… I mean… he didn’t die.  Side funny story… Jared needed a buffer for the anchor up top…so he used his sock! HAHA!! How clever.

I climbed the 5.7 while Jared belayed me then I climbed the 5.10a with Rich. The beginning was odd so I let him go after I tried and failed 3 times so that I could see his method.  For me, which is different than some other students in the group, I don’t care about watching others do a climb and not getting the onsight send, and I don’t care about getting beta on some of my climbs. I’m here to learn and if I can learn from others, than I’m going to. After Rich succeeded, I tried again and Red Pointed it!  I was so proud of myself for not giving up and trying again.  There were a lot of tough climbs today. We learned about crack jamming techniques too as two of the routes were cracks (BEAUTIFUL!). Jared showed me how to tape my hands to protect them from gobi’s (cuts). I then tried the 5.11 splitter crack and was so proud to have done about 3 jamming moves!!!!! Again, I don’t have to send every climb (make it to the top). As long as I learned something on the way, then I’m happy. I even bled on the climb!!!

I then tried the 5.10b climb which has a crazy weird overhang. I won’t lie, I hangdogged it a bit on my way through it, but again, so proud of myself that I made it to the top and learned how to climb such a route like this one. I pulled a fist jam and some arm bars too!  It was so hard but so worth it.  At one point during the day at the crag, I made some sort of joke towards Jared, and he decided he would take off his shoe and throw it at me. Instead of getting out of the way, I let it hit me a bit. HE OWES ME ICE CREAM NOW!!!! =-D   It was hilarious.  He disagrees that he owes me anything, but hey, a deal is a deal even if it was made a couple days ago.

At the end of the day, I helped Jared with the gear and we packed up and are heading back tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll do another lead climb.  Once back and exhausted, we were all sitting in our kitchen when Jared asks if two of us wanted to climb something. I waited at first to give someone else a chance to say yes (something I find I do a lot…again, I sacrifice my opportunities for someone else, is this bad?), and when no one did I stepped up and said sure. Dalton joined and we took a stroll past the tents to a small flat slabby and cracky piece of rock. I belayed Jared as he lead climbed a crack….. well heck! We called it a first ascent! He named it “Afternoon Delight.”  Dalton didn’t look impressed since the climb was shorter and on a bit of an angle making it a tad easier and it looked like he wanted to leave. Jared asked if he’d like to complete the slab climb. Thinking it would be easy, Dalton hopped up with his montrail sneakers still on. Halfway up he realized how difficult it actually was and said “I regret his decisions [wearing the montrails] and I’ve decided the name for this one will be “I’m an idiot””. I laughed so hard while Dalton continued to laugh and get through his first ascent.  When he descended he was very excited and happy to have a first ascent and he left Jared and I. Jared then let me have my own little first ascent  up a crack which I named “Karyn’s Crack of Dreams.”  (Yeah.. I know, how original… shut it!!) Then Jared took another run on it to clear the gear. I had a GREAT time!  We walked back to the kitchen where I had some couscous and bean tortillas and then relaxed for a while.

Our lesson tonight was a discussion on our articles.  We only have 2 days left of climbing and it makes me super sad. I just want to continue to climb and feel relaxed, free, and stress free. Hopefully things will work out and I can somehow have that in my life! The playground is huge here!! I just want to continuously play and never leave this Never Neverland.

Playful Joking

August 1st, 2012:  It was a lonely breakfast today, as all of my tentmates went on multi-pitches. I just had some perky’s.  We met as a group and Lillie did her environmental explorer on Hummingbirds. It was interesting, she did a great job. And we’ve been finding that Hummingbirds are visiting us. You hear a noise, turn quickly and there’s a Hummingbird who has come to say hello and then it’s gone. They are gorgeous! I feel like Pocahontas when it happens!

Jack and I inventoried our climbing gear then we hiked about 15 minutes to the crag. After the group reviewed the topography and chose the routes to set up, Nate and I set up an anchor as a team. It was a bit annoying. He’s the type of person that just gets to work and wants to do it all, while I want to share vision, responsibility and make sure everyone has a part in the building. I was trying my hardest to get him to tell me what his thoughts were on how to build it, but he barely said anything so I just did what I thought was best. We made it work but I don’t think I’d want to build with him again.  During the building I did take on a series of jokes from Jared, it was hilariously fun. There was a joke thrown out about me being overweight, and being stupid and it was all done in light humor where I played to it and gave it back. I enjoy our joking.
I was able to climb all the routes today (5.7, 5.8-5.9, 5.8). Using climbing terminology I would say that I flashed them all.  After we had built the anchors, we had to rappel, and I had some trouble remembering the rappel set up (again, I think I just get nervous and think too much into it, but I swear I’m not scared of rappelling!). When I did remember, we all then took our big packs and rappelled down with them.

Anywhom, I had an advisor meeting with Jared at the crag today that went well. He said I’m doing well and that if I’m interested, to pursue the course to be a NOLS instructor or something similar. I think I might seriously contemplate it for the summertime! If my knees hold up….    He also asked on a serious note, if his jokes offend me. OF COURSE NOT! That’s just my playful personality and I would not give the jokes if I couldn’t take them. Big Smiles. Yesterday we even had a bit of a deal occur. See, Jared doesn't tie his shoes when he climbs, so while belaying him I advised him that it better not fall off and hit me or else we'd have some problems. So he then said that if his shoe hits me, that he would have to owe me ice cream. Well I'll have to hold him to that!  I really like Jared. He’s fun and very smart about EVERYTHING and really genuinely cares about his students. His “gray” personality is growing on me too. He even hit me with webbing today in a friendly manner. I hope we stay in touch, he’d be a great friend and is becoming someone that I greatly appreciate and respect as a person.

After the climbing ended, Jared asked me if I wanted to clear the anchor gear at the top and of course I would NOT turn that down. I climbed a route, topped out, hooked myself into the anchor at the masterpoint and pulled myself up to remove all the gear at the top. He then showed me how to Mountaineer Coil the static rope too! I love that I get to learn all this extra stuff.

We inventoried the gear then hiked back where I hung out with Adam after organizing the gear under the gear tent. We talked about life, people, work, etc. He’s mad chill and it’s always nice to have someone who is actually willing to talk to you. And when he’s talking to you, he is genuinely interested and asks lots of questions. It was some great bonding time with him, he’s a great dude!

Paige cooked hash browns with peppers and we put it in some tortillas for dinner. Then Jared held a lesson on ethics versus style in the climbing world which was really interesting and educative. I wonder what CT is like?? I had no idea the climbing world was this serious and that you need to know the ethics/style of where I am climbing. We have an article reading for homework too.  Also, Jared pulled me again, into the “principal’s office.”  I’m just always getting in trouble. =-)  He advised me that I should try to state suggestions to people instead of just general feedback (just like teaching!) and to try to rappel more every day since I seem to be struggling with it.  You got it! And I’ll do it all with a big smile on my face, because I love it here.

August 2nd, 2012:   Breakfast today was cereal and hot cocoa!  Good thing because it was SO windy and cold this morning!  Andrew and Adam took us to a sweet crag today. Lee and I built a rappel anchor on a ledge which was fun!  Since it was on a ledge we had to be tethered in the whole time for safety. We worked really well together. We had struggled at first trying to decide if the anchor was right, and after using our checklist we learned, we discovered ourselves what we needed to fix and then we were successful! I had a great time working with him today and feel we make a great team!  We didn’t get to rappel this route though because it needed to be trundled to get the loose rock out of the way.

I climbed 3 of the routes today which were mostly crack climbs which was amazing! Cracks are so fun! I even flashed a 5.10a!!!  I was so proud of myself and it was nice to have support from Dalton too who watched from below.  I then belayed and got to hang with Andrew for a bit and had a lot of fun getting to know his personality a little bit better. I got to do my first mock lead today with him watching. I’m not sure if I will be a good lead climber though because I like perfection and I thought too hard on some of the placements which seemed to bother Andrew a bit. I couldn’t help it though. He kept saying “Place and go,” but I wanted it to be right.  I had 1 okay placement and 1-2 bad ones and the rest were perfect. I’ll keep trying and working hard to get it right. The mock lead route was a 5.7-5.8.

We climbed all day and I was in charge of gear inventory for the second day in a row. Again, I love doing this job because it gets me more familiar with the gear. We got back to base camp and had a Pot Luck dinner with couscous, falafel, shepards pie, and Andrew made a marble cake for dessert. It was all so yummy!  Tyler gave us a lesson on Black Bears and Paige was on the hot seat.  It was another great day in the Winds!

Reflection:
The views here continue to be spectacular and the sunsets never get old. What am I going to do with my life after this….?  I feel that it might be lacking and I’m worried about that. I hope things fall into place and I can find somewhere that I will actually have friends and be happy…but I’m beginning to realize that I don’t think CT is the place for that. I’m leaning more and more every day towards moving and making myself LOVE my life. Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy my life at home now, but I do feel like there is more out there for me. I think I am growing as a person out here and am not sure my life at home will fit me anymore?

The Day I Will Never Forget With The People I Will Always Remember

July 30th, 2012:  I made quite a yummy mess of breakfast this morning. Gingerbread and M&M scrambled pancakes. Yes, scrambled… they fell apart, so I just went with it. =-D

Today was a re-ration day. My new tent group for the rest of our time here will be Paige, Lee and Dalton. I’m a little concerned because they are all still young and have bonded a lot with each other. Afraid I’ll be the 4th wheel here. That’s okay at this point though. I’m at the point where this experience is simply amazing and nothing can ruin it for me. But I will definitely miss Chase as we definitely bonded.

Our morning lesson was on how to set appropriate goals. We wrote out 3 and then shared them with the group.
1. Climb a multi-pitch route with instructors at least once before the end of the trip.
2. Climb a lead climb at least on top rope with good gear placement at least once by the end of the trip.
3. Continue to learn and use my climbing and gear placement skills so that I can continue to climb after the trip ends.

Our re-ration hike was downhill which sort of bothered my right knee. Did I tear this one too?  Not going to think about it until I get back home.  I’m going to hope for the best and use some tiger balm tonight.  The re-ration location was next to a lake which of course we decided to swim in while we waited for the horse packers. Also came across a dead animal…all bloated.. the boys poked it with a stick. Haha. I went into the lake with Jack, Kasey and Lee to meet Paige and Lillie. It was cold but not as frigid as the previous lake.

The re-ration went well. The horse packers came in and it was quite a thrill to see them finally! It’s exciting to be a part of everything on this trip including the inventory and division of rationed food and gear, etc.  The hike back was rough but I was doing great, but I did notice Paige was at the back and she looked like she was going to cry. I stayed back with her and gave her some positive words and encouraging thoughts to keep her going. She look so defeated and tired trying to keep up with the boys leading the pack at such a quick pace. I thought she should lead so we could take her pace, but she didn’t agree. But I would not leave her at the end all alone, so I stayed with her. She thanked me for it later on. I’m glad she found me to be supportive and kind. Most people at home don’t feel that way about me…. But I swear I am. I just don’t think people take the time to really get to know me and just look at my confidence as being cocky. They get me here though…

We went on another swim session, which I just sat on the shore and watched because it was windy and cold!  We hiked back up to camp and Dalton cooked some amazing rice and beans with veggies, cheese, apples and who knows what else!  I am supposed to be on the hot seat tonight…  so nervous.

So Jared and I now have some lovely jokes. I like to say that he is “gray” with his feedback and information but that he is quite magical on the rock. Wonder where this will go… haha

EEEEEEEKKKKK!!!! (yes, I wrote this in my journal…. I was legitimately excited, no judging okay?) So I am doing the hot seat tomorrow and I found out that Jared is taking Chase and I on a multi-pitch climb tomorrow!!! I am SO excited and SO nervous! Mysterious… what is it going to be like?? The climb is called Haystack, about an hour and 30 minutes away, 5.6-5.7 climb, with 4 pitches with mostly small ledge or hanging belay! We meet at 4:30am in the kitchen, and will be gone most of the day. I CAN’T WAIT!!! So many overwhelming emotions going through me right now. I hope I do well and I hope I know what it is I am doing.

July 31st, 2012:  Well last night was interesting. While trying to go to sleep, a prank on my tentmate Lee commenced, leaving me to get very little sleep. But I didn’t get mad, I tried my best to play along and not ruin their good time. (hm.. something I seem to do a lot, sacrifice my need for sleep for other peoples good time… is this good???). Jack sniffed and scratched at our tent pretending to be a bear, Paige and Dalton played it up as they were aware of the prank and Lee FREAKED out. Lee: “where’s the bear spray, oh my god, what do we do?” Me: “it’s outside the tent, what will we do?” (play up the dramatics) Paige and Dalton: “No Lee, don’t go out there to get it, just lay still, don’t move” (while Lee is now kneeling up, hysteria on his face).  Jack then laughs….and Lee sprints outside screaming profanities and threats towards him.  Quite a night….

Well, I woke up at 4:30am, still very excited! I reikied my knee last night and it was feeling SO good this morning!  Had some cereal this morning with Chase and we headed out at 5:00am with Jared. We hiked in the pitch dark with headlamps on for about an hour and 15 minutes over the saddle and into the area where you can see the Cirques (a popular climbing area in the Winds). The stars were absolutely amazing and I found it very difficult to watch where I was walking and still take in the remarkable night sky. It was a bit cold, but the excitement kept me warm and moving. The sun rose as we got to the base of the climb on Haystack. Even though it was pretty much uphill over boulders, my breathing was fine and I plugged along with Jared leading the way and Chase taking the rear. I must have been so focused on the climb that my asthma didn’t even bother me, how wonderful! At the base, Jared reviewed with us what to do and emergency instructions (if anything should happen to him, activate the personal locating beacon to be saved…wow….don’t let anything happen to you JARED!). We put on our shoes and began. I got to go last for the first 2 pitches and clear all the gear Jared placed as the lead. The climb was not difficult for me, but it was absolutely exhilarating and the views were breathtaking. Jared advised us not to look down, but I couldn’t help it. It was astounding! We would get to the anchor, get situated and literally just hang on the side of the wall. I wasn’t afraid at all. I thought I would be a little, but there was no fear. Instead I felt free, strong, proud, love. This was the best feeling I have ever had in my life. From watching the sun rise over the mountains, to looking down over the lakes thousands of feet below, it’s just indescribable.

I cleared the first 2 pitches and belayed Jared from below, while Chase cleared the last 2 pitches (a 5.7 climb at this point) and I belayed Chase from above. Jared was pretty serious at the beginning of the climb. I was kind of worried…. I wanted this to be fun. I know we needed to get going in case bad weather came in and I know that if something is done wrong the consequences were serious, but I was having so much fun. Even though it wasn’t my outwardly loud and energetic type of fun, I was still having the best time and wanted to make sure everyone else was too. I made small jokes and tried to get rid of some of the tension I thought I felt, but of course Jared takes care of this stuff himself. Upon the halfway point, we get up to meet Jared who is now wearing what looks like an old woman’s Christmas vest. I laughed so hard. Karyn: “Jared, where the heck did you get that thing?” Jared: “The dumpster”  Of course. He’s that cool.  He wore it in celebration, so in order to join him, I showed my stripes (my striped long johns) and whipped out some pig tails. It was a big day!

The cirques behind us on the climb were beautiful. We climbed about 600 feet up above the already towering mountain! It’s amazing how different everything looks from way up here and how different it looks during the day versus the night. We ran short of rope our last pitch.. the look on Chase and my own face must have been hilarious when Jared just kept climbing and the rope kept getting closer to the end. But Jared’s good… he sure knows what he is doing. I’ve never felt so safe in what I previously thought would be extremely dangerous. He definitely has that effect on me.  Makes me feel very comfortable and safe, I trust him.  When we ran out of rope, he decided that Chase and I would climb the last 30 feet together. Totally made it more epic! Loved every minute of it!

The view from the top was just overwhelming, a 360 view. The plateau across the way was astounding! We all had a great time (I assume) and we had great teamwork and lots of laughing and smiling. Jared told me he picks certain students to do certain climbs because he thinks they will appreciate certain ones. I believe he did a great job on this. I would not have wanted to do this climb with anyone else but Chase and Jared. I appreciated every belay ledge, every second of my time on the mountain with them, every view I observed, every breath that I took, every hand hold and foot placement I made, every piece gear that was placed then removed, every word that was said, and every lesson that was learned on this particular climb. I will never forget it. This will by far be the day I will never forget that I got to spend with the people I will always remember.

We were surprised and rewarded at the top with snickers! One of my favorites!  We then hiked around an extremely exposed cliff and decided to try to hike to the actual summit over a ton of boulders. Let’s do it!  After hiking up and enjoying once again, the views all around and each other’s company, we began our descent. The descent was VERY exposed at times and in certain places we had to get belayed down via hip belay or just on a guide rope for safety. We made it down safely and after running to the trees for an emergency bathroom break, I joined the gentlemen for some snacks and some more laughs.

Jared: “Hey Karyn… you’re the type of girl that wears pink camo…. Right?”
Karyn: “HAHAHAHA, you’re kidding right????? Me…pink?? I don’t think so. What kind of girl do you take me for????”
For those that know me, you may find this pretty humorous. I am SO not a girly girl, and anything pink kind of scares me. And I live in CT, I’m pretty sure camo is looked down upon there. HAHA  This would now be a running joke for the 3 of us.

We carried the gear back to camp and hung out the rest of the day while the others climbed a crag somewhere. Great bonding time! The men wanted to nap, but I was NOT having that. I was so exhilarated from the climb which made me ridiculously antsy. I sat and bounced around while they lounged. When Jared finally either got sick of watching me be antsy or just plain ole felt bad for me, we started to then get a little weird; or me at least. I climbed some baby rocks nearby, made myself a small handstand obstacle course to go through, completed a hatchet throw competition with the men (of course, I won  =-P ), attempted acorn bowling which totally backfired, talked about life and made jokes. Chase and Jared picked on me for talking…. And other things. Listen… I talk a lot. I’m SORRY! =-P  Then we played a game of contact…longest game ever. Only got through one round. Chase and I may be bonding, but we sure suck at reading each other’s minds. We couldn’t get Jared’s word of VIOLET! C’MON!!!!

The rest of the crew came back late so I made noodles, spinach, sausage and cheese for dinner. Dalton made a peanut butter and chocolate cake which was very yummy! I then went on the hot seat and talked about my life which wasn’t easy. I had gotten away from it, and now I had to talk about it. Paige asked me a question at the end about moving and what would happen to my fraternal organization’s youth program (Polish Falcons of America) and I broke down and cried. I think my cry was a mixture of a lot of things… I had definitely been holding in tears the entire time thus far (happy, proud type of tears), but this cry also held a lot of pain, sadness, and anger towards my family, old friends, and the children I coach. It was pretty embarrassing… but I hope people understood. I’m an open person, not ashamed of where I come from. I got asked a lot of questions (possibly to help me stop my crying). I talked about why I love teaching and my Falcon kids and the feeling of impacting the life of a child.  It was an emotional night for me, but I think I needed it.

After my hot seat, Andrew told a funny story and we dispersed for cards or bed.

Reflection:
Tonight I wondered why I am the way I am. Why don’t I have friends in CT, why am I so independent, why do I have the desire to inspire and motivate others, why….?  And I think it has a lot to do with growing up. I didn’t want to be like my family members. They didn’t support my decision about stopping college for a while to figure out what I wanted to do and they didn’t help me with college, so I became even more so independent than I had been. Everyone was too concerned with their own issues or gossiping about others, and I’m not into that. I still don’t know what is wrong with me and making/keeping friends. I think it’s because I’m so independent, strong, intimidating, confident….all things that may scare people away or make them think that I don’t need/want them. I will have to think more on this and hope to find clarity. It is so peaceful and beautiful here, and it definitely helps to clear the mind and refocus, recharge and relax. I find that I am learning a lot about myself and who I am here, which I hope can make me an even better person than before.

"You cannot stay on the summit forever; you have to come down again. So why bother in the first place ? Just this: What is above knows what is below, but what is below does not know what is above. One climbs, one sees. One descends, one sees no longer, but one has seen. There is an art of conducting oneself in the lower regions by the memory of what one saw higher up. When one can no longer see, one can at least still know."

-- Rene Daumal