Last summer I attended a course through NOLS which took me into the wilderness of the Wind River Range in Wyoming for three weeks. Before the course I remember walking down the streets of Lander, Wyoming with a couple other NOLSies talking about if we could ever live there. My new friend Kate was in love and said she could move there in a heartbeat. I, myself, said no way. It was too small, quiet, and just not enough stuff.
As we were coming out of the woods from that course to reunite with civilization after three weeks, my only thought was that I wanted to go back in. I wanted to turn around and return to the tents, the rocks, the trees, the tough living that takes place in the wilderness. I wanted to remain in the quiet, stress free, natural realm that existed in there. Why? I think I found something inside myself when I was out there. I think I found a piece of me that was either missing or just lying dormant inside me and I was afraid to lose it.
As we returned to Lander, we once again walked the streets. This time I saw things so differently. I embraced the calm and quiet. I enjoyed the small town feel with the mountains in the distance. I appreciated when people knew who we were (NOLS students). It felt like I belonged and I didn’t want to leave. If I wasn’t contracted to teach the next school year, I don’t think I would have returned.
I’ve lived in Connecticut my entire life. I have only visited states on the East Coast besides California, where I stayed in Los Angeles. I’ve always encountered lifestyles that were fast paced, stressful, full of pretentious individuals where nobody could care less about anyone else. Sure, we’d go on vacation and people there were friendlier, but that “I’m better than you” mentality was still there. So I’ve never known any other lifestyle. That is until my venture out West.
After my NOLS course I came home different. I was calm, patient and just went with the flow for a couple months. I liked who I was then. I really started to appreciate the quietness and the calmness and would sit in the grass and just listen to the leaves and birds. After a couple months, I lost that. It went away. The people around me were stressed, negative, and unpleasant to the point where it brought me back to the place I was before. I didn’t want to return to this negative, burdensome feeling, but everything was forcing me in that direction. I was swimming upstream with a current that was too strong. That’s all that was around me. Now those that know me know that I am a big believer that you control your happiness and if you aren’t happy, you can’t blame others, you need to make some changes yourself. So that’s what I did.
April comes around, and I had been offered a P.E. and Health position at a Middle School in Douglas, Wyoming. After a tough two day dilemma including pro and con charts, endless conversations with family members, and ridiculous amounts of research, I decided that it was time to make that change. So I accepted the position and began this incredibly crazy journey towards moving out West.
Now I’m scared. I’m not sure if I am chasing something that isn’t really there. Maybe I experienced something I will never experience again. Maybe the regular life (not living in the wilderness) is just as stressful there. Maybe the people are just as negative and fast paced. Maybe I have regressed back to the “I could never live in a small town in Wyoming” mentality. What if I can’t handle the long winter? What if I can’t make friends? What if I hate my job or my coworker? What if I think I will do all this climbing and biking and slacking and outdoorsy stuff and I don’t? What if I can’t afford it? What if I end up more miserable than before? What if I hate it…..?
It was so easy the first time. Thinking of reasons to not go are just as easy. I’m also afraid it won’t be that simple to find that part of me again. Is it even a part of me, buried deep beneath this East Coast vibe? I guess I won’t know until I get there. But if there is one thing I have learned so far it’s that it is okay to try something new and different to see if it’ll fit, even if it is an extreme. I am moving 1,800 miles West where I know nobody. But I believe that given the opportunity I was provided, that I would regret not trying it more so than if I go and end up hating it. At least I can say I tried to find happiness in a place since I know for a fact, that Connecticut is not that place for me. I mean…. I can also move again if I don’t like it.
So when people ask me why I would go to Wyoming, inside my head I laugh. I laugh because a part of me doesn’t know, it is full of questions. A part of me believes that there is a lifestyle out there that will make me happier and that I will enjoy more. And, another part of me is just that crazy, and thriving for an adventure that I would dare attempt this move. I’m still young, and I have plenty of time left to make my mistakes and learn from them. At least I’m not getting stuck somewhere that is not making me feel good about who I am as a person. That I believe is the most important thing of all. So I guess I don’t care if I reach and there isn’t anything there. I’ll fall, pick myself back up, and start thinking about where I think that “thing” is and work towards it all over again.
