Will I Ever Be Content?

Have you ever asked yourself if you’re in a place where you are truly happy? Is there such a place? What if I lived somewhere else? What if I was with someone else? What if I were doing something else with my life?

At this point in my life, I am currently fighting off that feeling of becoming content. That word scares me. I have a great job, a place to live, food to eat, and family to visit. But is this it for me? I worry that I am not quite finished exploring and discovering myself and my desires. It’s just too bad we can’t start life with retirement.

Well, I guess I refuse to just settle; at least for now. I’m still young and I think I will get out somewhere and explore all options life has to offer and see what surprises me on the way. You never know what you may like until you try it. So I’ll go try something else for a bit. What my direction in life is….. Well it’s still unknown. But I have options and I am willing to keep looking into them until I find something that fits. I refuse to let my intrigue disappear just yet and I refuse to become comfortable with a mediocre life when I know that somewhere a great life is waiting for me.

I suppose my advice to everyone is to at some point in life, go try something new. Take a job you’re on the fence about. Make a move that scares you. Think of it as an adventure…one you can always change the direction of at any point in time. Go discover who exactly it is you are, what you want, and even what you don’t want. And remember that it’s okay to make a mistake.

But…..i do still fear the question that remains unanswered for me…. Will I ever be content with my life? Or will I forever be a chaser?

My Happy Place

Written April 22nd, 2013

I recently spent the weekend in the Cape with my mother, twin sister and her baby, my uncle and his wife. It was a great weekend spent bonding with my family. But above all, I got to spend it with my nephew. He is an 18 month old cutie who loves to be outside and is easily entertained with a stick, a rock, or grass…….a man after my own heart.

I enjoyed my weekend climbing stairs and butt sliding down with him. We played on the floor, with nature, and napped on a chair. And for the first time, one of my eight nieces and nephews came to me. He wanted me to pick him up or bring him outside, or he just wanted to give me a hug and a kiss.

Someone asked me once if I felt a bigger bond with my twin sisters’ son over my other nieces and nephews just because he is the son of my twin and I didn’t know what to say. Now I know the answer. I know now that the stronger connection is there and the fact that my sister encourages him to come outside with me to “touch nature” just increases the strength of it so much more.  A pure, untouched place for us to enjoy our common love for the outdoors.

Now the problem comes in with the fact that I don’t see them that much since they live over an hour away and we are all so busy. I dropped my sister and my nephew off after that weekend and realized something big. I realized that the only thing I need in order to feel satisfied and completely happy is to have a relationship with my sister and her son and to see them both safe and happy. I would go to the ends of the world and do anything to make that a constant in their lives forever. I never want to see them hurt, even though it is inevitable that things are going to hurt them. So in the car that day, I tried to imagine my life in a place where I started anew and was completely happy. I was in a house surrounded by open plains that led to tall mountains, with blue skies and a cool breeze.  And then there they were….. my sister and my nephew playing in the fields with smiles, feeling pure joy and no worries to be found. And I realized that is my happy place.  So when I need to find some happy thoughts when times are tough, I remember Peter Pan when he said “all you have to do is think one happy thought, and you'll fly like me,” and I know I can go to this place…..and feel a little peace and happiness.

And I know….anything is possible….. maybe one day I can have my happy place for real.