To My Future Self

The following letter was written the last couple of days of my time in the Wind River Range of Wyoming during my NOLS course:


Dear Future Karyn,

I am so tremendously proud of you for staying strong and making it to and through this NOLS course. You have met and learned from some amazing individuals that I am sure you will never forget. It is a sad time but always remember that you can take and use this happiness and simplicity anywhere. Whether you stay in CT or move somewhere else you will find this and live this. Don’t stress too much and let time go sometimes. Stare at the stars, clouds, trees, flowers and all that is natural; lay in the grass, get dirty, smell the air. RELAX and ENJOY life and all the natural beauty around you. No matter what happens you will be ok, you will be loved, you will be respected, you will be happy and will get through anything. You are a resilient person who can inspire and help change/lead others for the better. Continue to be a good person and just… breathe and live in the moment. Don’t forget who you are, where you came from, and where you may want to go.

Love Always,
Karyn

P.S. Remember this experience always, it will ground you and get you through your hard times.

Sometimes Goodbye's The Hardest Thing...

August 8th, 2012:  Last night I woke to the sound of….squirrels? Coyote? Sounded like something was dying for sure.  Maybe it was in my head and it was just the feeling I have inside me…. Like something is dying.

We gathered up the gear and walked to the bus by ourselves in silent reflection. It was an eerie walk. I felt like my life was ending. I was afraid.

We were greeted with bagels, O.J., milk, cereal, yogurt, bananas, strawberries, scones..YUMMY!

Jared and I loaded up the top of the bus and secured all our packs with a rope. We ate breakfast quickly then off we were back to Lander. On the way back I did get to experience my first Wyoming construction area which resulted in the bus driver turning off the bus and resting his feet on the dash. “What the heck is going on???” I asked. Apparently we waited at least 10 minutes for a pilot car to come lead us past one lane of construction about 2 miles down the road. SO ODD!

We returned to NOLS and unloaded the bus and got straight to cleaning. Lee and I cleaned the kitchenware. THEN WE SHOWERED!  I think us three girls were in there for about 45 minutes. HaHa. Then I de-issued my personal gear I rented and packed my bags. It was all so hurried and so weird. I was still happy to be with everyone though. We were told not to go crazy on the phones and to just make quick phone calls to our parents or loved ones. We needed time to get back to reality and settle in but at the same time realize we were still with each other and it was not over yet. To be honest, I didn’t want to call anyone. I did call my father though and then my mother, both VERY happy to hear I was still alive. Apparently I’m the kid that causes them heart issues with all the crazy things I do. I was happy to then turn my phone back off and remain calm and stress free.

Lillie’s parents let us borrow their car and we drove to the store to purchase fruit snacks! About 4 days in, Lillie and I discovered we both had an addiction to them, so we made a plan for that to be our first purchase when we returned. Then we drove to the Noble Hotel to drop off our things in our dorm room. Then it was back to NOLS for the BBQ lunch which was fun. We played some hacky sack and a boy from the other rock course recognized me from our climbing gym in CT. So weird!

The crew then walked to the headquarters to have a debriefing with some guy Darren we all assumed was someone very important. We evaluated the course, food, amenities, instructors, everything from start to finish. I got called out for my odd little bonding I had with someone and I’m pretty sure I blushed my way through it. We then got to take stickers and calendars and brochures and posters representing NOLS. We were very happy to take them. Then we went for a walk around town.

Before graduation, Andrew put on a hula hoop showing for us which was really awesome! Then we graduated. We sat in rows with an aisle on the “poop grass” and Andrew hooped while we all hummed pomp and circumstance and Jared and Adam called our names and handed us our certificates. It was hilariously odd. Totally fitting our group. Then we walked to the Gannett Grill for dinner followed by the Ice Cream Shack for dessert. I got a chokecherry shake and Jared tried to pay for mine since he did owe me ice cream (hitting me with his shoe), but I felt bad so I declined and paid for my own. Leave it to me to be the only person to have done that.

The crew then went off to do “things” and go to the movies and the instructors went to reunite and hang with friends in town, and I returned to the Noble Hotel by myself and continued to desensitize myself. I sat alone in the dark, in the rec room watching Juno on TV. I started getting texts from my friends, but I was still so overwhelmed. While I was away, one of my good friends wrote me a facebook message every day I was gone. But, I couldn’t read them. I couldn’t bring myself back. I felt stressed just looking at the texts and messages. Why was this happening?? I can’t explain it. I wanted to shut out that stress. I wasn’t ready for it. So, I ignored them. Will I regret this later? Maybe… but for once, I was doing something that felt good for MYSELF. And I just was not ready to open those doors again. In a way I wanted to rid my life of those stressors.

While sitting watching the movie and mentally analyzing what I was feeling, I was saved, once again, by Jared. He just always seems to be around at the right time. He poked his head around the corner asked why I was alone, and joined me to watch the end of the movie. I was happy to have company, and glad in a way that it was him. He just projects this calmness, something I needed at that time.

After the movie he asked if I played pool and I replied with “yeah, but I’m not any good.” He agreed that he wasn’t either and we played about 10 games of hilariously funny pool. I won 8 times…and I swear, I’m not usually that good!  Jared won twice…once on a scratch I made on my break. We joked a lot and made deals that for every time he lost he owed me ice creams. Pretty sure some double or nothing’s came up too. At the end we decided he owed me 10, or maybe I decided that?  He cheated a lot during the games too… “walking the dog.” Fell on the floor laughing numerous times. I had a great night.

The crew returned, more pool was played, and then we were kicked out of the rec room around 12:00am for bed. I went to bed smiling one last time.


August 9th, 2012:  This is it. I woke up, packed my things and dropped my bags in the foyer and went with Paige and Lillie to grab breakfast and hot chocolate at the café across the street. We all said our goodbyes and people trickled out.  Some had left before I even woke up. Our shuttle showed up, and we said or goodbyes to the last remaining peers and Jared. I hugged Jared and thanked him for everything he had done for me. But in a way, I don’t think he quite realizes all that he has done for me. I hope one day that one of my students gets something this great from an experience I helped give to them.

I got onto the shuttle with Rich, Jack and Dalton and students from the other course and we were off to the Riverton Airport.

I’m sad. I don’t want to lose this feeling of odd relaxation and no stress. I feel slowed and calm and I have never once in my life felt this way. Is it the mountains? Is it the people? I don’t know if I’ll ever know the answer. I do NOT want to leave and if I weren't contracted to teach this year, I don’t think I would. I thought that my visit coming up to Colorado was going to be better, but there are just too many people and things there. I think I fell in love with the quiet emptiness that Wyoming offers. It is so peaceful, everything the East Coast is not.

The End?

Epic Fails and Realizations

August 6th, 2012: Woke up this morning… failed to record what breakfast was today…. Maybe my feelings are getting to me.  Our lesson was on land management. Why should I care?  It was really interesting and I really love how passionate Adam is about the land and what he does for a living and about anything that he has ever really talked about with me. I really enjoy listening to him when he teaches to us. He’s real…

We cleaned up our site and left no trace. Andrew shouted to the group “I found more garbage” and ran over to me and picked me up to try to put me inside a garbage bag. Our last bit of fun here.

We then hiked 6 miles past and down Big Sandy. Our hiking group definitely failed in decision making when we got disoriented reading the map. I was with Jared (as usual), Dalton, Lee and Paige. Our hike was great in the beginning. All making the easy decisions and then compromising when the boys wanted to go a different direction. We got to play Ninja at our first break which was a lot of fun!  I was pretty hyper at this break. Dancing, busting moves…. Trying to defeat Jared in Ninja… I lost.  By the time we got to the second break location, reality was setting in that this time here was ending. I saw people. Not the people I felt comfortable with, but strangers! Our path took us for a short time on a busy section of trail and we saw animals, children, adults… it felt weird. I hadn’t seen anyone except the 13 other people for almost 3 weeks.

Anyways, at the second session we had a Ukulele jam sesh which got me to relax a bit. Had to find somewhere to go to the bathroom… I was pretty nervous since there were so many people around! Strange people! The group yelled and joked about people coming my way the whole time I was out there. Such nice friends. After this break, the discouraging, frustrating time commenced. We had to go off trail and follow a stream… but we could not figure out which stream it was…. So instead of going downstream, we went upstream and failed to notice. When we did, we started getting frustrated, no one wanted to make decisions and we struggled. Jared knew we were going in the wrong direction but didn’t tell us. Now, most people would be very angry at this, but I don’t think any of us were. I think we all realize that sometimes you fail and you have to fix it. Lee would say “we got lost” and Jared would simply say, you weren’t lost and he was right. We could fix this. Even though it required more walking and more unsure terrain, in the end it was fine. We had to learn to get through this, and oh boy it was interesting and I’m sure we all felt some dislike towards each other at times.

Well, we made it to camp, but it was tough. I had quite the hike today. The group walked across a shallow stream and I was a caboose. While walking, I fell into a hold and landed on my back. I felt like a turtle… I couldn’t get up! I rolled side to side but my pack was too heavy to lift without taking it off. Half way across the stream Jared turned around… smiled and said, “Do you need help?”  I felt like an idiot, but said yes. He came back, took my hand and lifted me up to my feet. But it didn’t end there.

I was trying hard to keep up with my long legged hiking group. HELLO! T-REX HERE!  We were next to a river, hopping over little moats it created to stay on the higher ground. The tall grass EVERYWHERE did not help the situation, nor did my feeling to protect my knees and fear of falling and hurting them.  I again, was the caboose. I followed Paige’s steps and made a hop to high ground and WHOOPS! I fell face first into a moat. My foot slid into a channel on the left, my right leg went to the channel on the right, and my face went straight down, hitting water. At first I was scared… my pack was SO heavy I thought I would drown. I HATE going underwater. I’ve never been an underwater type of gal.  When I realized I was able to lift my face up out of the water and my pack was stuck on higher ground supporting my body, I knew I was safe, and I knew I just looked like a complete a$$. Paige had screamed nervously and tried to help to no avail. After replaying the fall and imagining what I must have looked like, I proceeded to laugh hysterically…still lying face down in the channels. I laughed SO hard I cried. At first the group was worried, but when they saw that I was laugh/crying, they joined in. Jared even taped it. Epic Fail. Jared finally helped get my pack off and helped me up... wet with tears coming down my face. Second save of the day by Jared.

We carried on. The mood lightened, then brought down again when navigational directions needed to be made. Dalton took the lead since no one else wanted to. I would have, but my feelings had been quite hurt on the hike. I would try to be involved and the map would be moved away. I don’t think the boys meant to, they were just trying to make decisions, but it still hurt to feel like my ideas didn’t matter. I’m not strong on navigating and reading maps, and I knew that. I recognize my weaknesses and step back to add my thoughts in order to have someone nicely correct me if I’m wrong so that I learn. I also listened a lot so that I could learn from my peers who were stronger at it than I. So, for the reason that I was clueless, I didn’t step up. Looking back now, I do regret worrying about being wrong or making a mistake. That’s how you learn sometimes.

Our debriefing was serious once we magically found our camp site in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE! We talked of our breakdown in communication. We walked on egg shells for a bit. It’s hard to have 4 strong leaders all trying to lead. My philosophy has always been that a strong leader knows when to lead, and when to follow. I had changed my view on the hike as needing to follow and that was taken as being bad, but I’ll stand by my decision.

Dalton and I went and made gato gato for dinner. Lee then did his environmental explorer lesson and we completed instructor and program evaluations. It was a long night.  Bed time was around 9:30pm. Our campsite is in the middle of a crazy forest filled with trees and it was VERY disorienting trying to get to the tents from the kitchen site since I had only been there once today. Got a little lost trying to find the tents but I made it there. Laying in the tent with Paige we hear Lillie and Dalton and Lee walking around. After about 10 minutes I hear Lillie, in a scared little girl voice say, “HELLO?...”  I yelled back and she was so happy. Apparently they had walked completely around the tent area but could not find the tents.
Tomorrow is our last hiking day. About 4 miles then ¼ of a mile on the last day to be picked up. I’m sad.



August 7th, 2012:  Failed to write much today. I think I’m getting overwhelmed. We learned about gear and how to continue climbing when we get home, etc. Andrew also read to us the Shel Silverstein story of When the Piece Met the Big O. Great way to begin the ending.

Then we began our last big day of hiking. I hiked with Jared, Rich, Lillie and Nate. It started out well and then we got to a beautiful meadow. After that, I swear, we walked straight into hell.  We made the decision to go right. At this point, I was again discouraged. I was asked to lead and I said sure! Why not. After yesterdays debacle I figured it couldn’t get any worse and my group seemed supportive. Well, my leading turned into me walking behind people. It just felt like the others wanted to lead and make the decisions, and I did not want to start any tension, so I gave up. Again, sacrificing myself for others. I really need to work on this.

Well, we walked straight into Boulder City. A city of boulders…as far as the eye could see. We ended up boulder hopping (HUGE boulders, no joke) for well over an hour. I was SO tired. I am 110 pounds, 5 foot 1 and carrying a 50 something pound pack and now add jumping from boulder to boulder trying not to lose balance and fall backwards. Took a lot of effort. I even fell on my knee once (yes, the one I had surgery on a couple months ago). My mental state was wearing thin. I was slow going to ensure my safety and the others cruised along with their long legs. At this point I didn’t care, I wanted to stay safe. I’ll be honest though, I wanted to break down and cry. Every direction you looked was boulders for as far as you could see, and I was tired and done with them. BUT, I don’t give up when it comes to this physical kind of stuff. I fought against that discouraging mental state, stayed positive and overcame those feelings. This is why I enjoy nature and the unknown. You’ve got to overcome feelings of negativity and just get it done.

We walked a couple miles through a meadow next to a river and Jared jumped right in! We got to camp easily after that. I fell behind a lot. At this point, I didn’t care about keeping up. My short little legs were tired of doing that for 3 weeks and I was going to go at my own pace. So I did. We had left our last camp around 10:05am and got to our last camp site (an actual camp site) around 4:00pm.

We cooked falafel for dinner and received my evaluation from Jared. Boy, was that an awkward time. I’m so used to giving the grade as a teacher…. To actually sit down and have someone critique me was weird. Jared said I did excellent and thinks that I should pursue for NOLS instructor and stay involved with climbing. I joked a lot with him all day today. I think I’m really going to miss him. His overall disgustingness (=-P), sense of humor, grayness, simplicity, has really grown on me. I hope I can stay in touch with him.

After dinner we started sorting and cleaning for our pick-up tomorrow. I helped gather like equipment and Andrew helped me with retiring/fixing/keeping maps. He also made fun of my laugh this evening. Said it sounded like a “creepy Aunt laugh.” HA! I think he felt bad after he made that comment, but I really didn’t care. I get comments on my laugh ALL the time. I finally have just accepted it and say to myself, at least it’s real and it shows how happy I truly am.

We did some great closing activities afterwards. Andrew made us hear, feel and smell with our eyes closed. Our senses are heightened. We passed around burning sage and reflected as a group. It got to me and I cried again and didn’t get to say all that I had wanted to. Basically, I have learned SO much from everyone and the experience. I always searched for happiness and this has opened a whole new door to that and I am still SO overwhelmed with my feelings and the changes that I feel from this. There’s a bond that has been created, and it’s sad to know that we will soon be going our separate ways. I feel that because I am so much older than the other students that I took something different away from this experience. Something deeper that they’ll understand in time I’m sure.  Jared then had us recap each day and we had a great time reminiscing and laughing at the good and hard times we had.

Finally, we stood in a circle facing out, eyes closed. Two people went into the middle and Adam read statements like “tap someone who taught you something; tap someone who has nice hair; etc” It was very gratifying and nice to know what some people felt about you, even though you didn’t know who it was. I got tapped a lot for being organized, always smiling, teaching something, changing, and supporting. It was a really nice way of saying to someone that they noticed. Even if it wasn’t said aloud, it was noticed.

Tomorrow we gather at 5:30am, walk 5 minutes to our bus pick up, drive to Lander with breakfast on the bus. Group de-issue, shower, individual de-issue, a BBQ lunch, clean, and dinner with the group.

“I am so sad to leave this experience behind and almost don’t want to go back and talk to people and be connected again. It is Never Neverland out here and it feels SO good to not have to worry about materialistic, non-dire things. I didn’t have to deal with family drama or feelings about home-life, or work, etc. I have this strong urge to find happiness and try to live simple. Do not fall into a technological hole or have to have the best of everything. Just get by, respect everyone and everything and DO WHAT YOU LOVE.”